I want to punch out a window right now

I can’t keep this up much longer. These classes, that is.

Modern physics, differential equations, vector calculus, AC circuit analysis and another physics course, for those curious.

It’s not that I don’t understand their concepts: allow me the use of a normed vector space, abelian under addition and most anything is possible. It just takes me a long time to do math -almost twice as long when I don’t have colored markers to keep track of things. Memorization, without binary relation to anything else, takes weeks.

In fact, I’m probably dyslexic. I’m also going blind in my right eye. More problems, to add to my list I suppose, which includes a chemically burned lung.

I spend all of my free waking hours, from 6:30 to 1, doing homework. After it’s finished, there’s no time to check over it as another class’s problem set isn’t yet done. I do that, then some more work, I hand it in, and it comes back covered in red ink.

“Make corrections”, some say. I would, if a DIY differential equation solver wasn’t due tomorrow. Or another 5 hour problem set.

I find it hard to believe that most people understand the scope of the work they ask others to do. It’s work I haven’t the time to do effectively, work that teaches me little, and brings about only feelings of discouragement and dismay, upon its return.

And all for what? A $16/hr job offer from another organization, where it’s likely that more people will tell me I’m wrong? To appease professors, so hell-bent in the ways they’ve been taught that even the idea of “vector division”, possible in 2D, and 4D spaces, or negative refractive indices is horrific in their eyes; even if it’s a valid solution to the problem? To please people afraid to read between the lines.

There is more to the world than most ever see.

It’s hard to find desire to keep  myself on this path. Most I suppose, take solace in the fact that “a degree means money in the future”. They bandage their psyches with relationships, alcohol and fraternity life. How jejune.

I am tired of kids and their bullshit ‘life problems’. My car’s engine has seized, I can’t afford housing and quite frankly, I am disgusted with the ungrateful attitude most members of my age group promote.

The fact of the matter is, I don’t care about this crap any more. This is not how I learn. There is no pedagogical reason why 25 problems a week, per class is a good idea. I have no time to -study- ; to sit down, conceptualize and put into effect, the new techniques I’ve set out to learn. Memorization in preparation for testing, is not learning. Abusing alkaloids in an effort to stay afloat in the work they assign and maintain my measly 3.2, is not learning. Clearly however, it’s been proven time and time again, that such a system produce wonderful engineers.

Caffeine is a horrible drug. Alcohol is a horrible drug. It boggles my mind why these ones are uniquely legal.

I don’t forget the things I learn, ever. Just give me some time to learn them, please.

This life is unsustainable. I have no time to peruse the things I enjoy; the things that keep me sane (the segue project, for example).

I need to go out and do what I’m good at; I need to devote my time, to building something great. Governor Cuomo, expect a rather interesting entrant in your 43north competition.

“Little hellions kids feeling rebellious, embarrassed, their parents still listen to Elvis, they start feeling like prisoners, helpless.”

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